My workplace is an offensive sitcom

If I ever wrote a sitcom about the day-to-day life at work, every single network would refuse to air it in fear of offending... well, pretty much everyone. Then I'd protest that everything actually did happen, and then I'd be publicly branded the worst kind of racist: the kind who tries to intellectualize the realization of stereotypes in the name of comedy.


SUPPORTING CHARACTERS:

Malik -- Very tall Indian-Guyanese manager who diligently works to provide a better life for his three young children. Street-smart and kind-hearted. Recently became a U.S. citizen but spent nearly his entire life in the Bronx. Die-hard Yankees fan.

Pedro -- Short and stocky undocumented Mexican worker who has lived in the U.S. for about 15 years. Evokes Speedy Gonzalez when speaking English. Says "pendejo" about 30 times per day. Fun-loving and loyal... except when he used to drive co-worker Juan's car to Juan's house on Juan's lunch break to fuck Juan's wife. Likes the New York Red Bulls. Bears uncanny resemblance to Juan's kid.

Gupta -- Middle-aged Indian-Guyanese tailor who sounds just like Mooj from 40-Year-Old Virgin. Blatantly and shamelessly picks his nose in front of anyone and everyone. Goes by his surname because no one can pronounce his first name. Excellent tailoring skills and manners: has yet to tell anyone to go fuck a goat.

Oh yes... and of course...

Me -- Surly and pessimitic "owner" who inherited the business after her parents died. Thinks she's better than everyone because she attended an overpriced liberal arts college in New England that most Americans have never heard of. Once a semi-idealist who would've marched for minority rights as a student, now despises society but argues that it's okay because she's an equal-opportunity hater.

[After struggling ratings, I would probably introduce the character of Younger Sister, a recent college grad with sunnier personality and more feminine clothes, also the only one unafraid enough to stand up to Me when she's being a complete bitch.]


RECURRING CAST:

Old Mean [Bleep] Guy -- Drives a clunky white Cadillac that draws groans from the store whenever it pulls into the lot. Refers to Malik as "that black guy." Grunts when he means yes; scowls when he means no.

Angry Middle-Aged Single [Bleep] Woman -- Argues that we do poor work yet continues to patronize our business. Brings obviously worn clothing (incorrectly buttoned, hair-covered, pocket-filled) re-hung on hangers. Raises holy hell to get a discount but too dumb to realize that we tack on extra fees (for silk, linen, beading) that we ordinarily would not charge whenever she insists on one. Butt could balance a food-filled tray.

Pompous Young [Bleep] Guy -- Buys $80 Diesel t-shirts that look like they've been attacked by pitbulls. Lives at home with rich parents but thinks he's a Big Deal. Seems gay but dates a beautiful, immaculately dressed and made-up Asian girl (who is probably actually a beautiful, immacuately dressed and made-up Asian boy).

Sexually Frustrated and Emotionally Repressed Soccer Mom -- Hates her life so tries to make everyone else's life miserable. Probably knows that her husband is cheating on her with some Hot Young Thing who wears Nars lipstick in Orgasm that Malik found in his jacket pocket. Gained a good 45 pounds since giving birth to her two equally bitchy daughters who talk meanly to Gupta when they want their Abercrombie jeans hemmed.

(All characters based entirely upon actual people whom I actually know. Identifying details remain; only names have been changed.)

-----

Sometimes, I just FEEL guilty. Like when you look around, and all these stereotypes are fulfilled... I just feel guilty... living my life. Like I'm doing something offensive by watching these people around me. Oh well.