But I certainly cannot pass for one

Normally when people at the store ask me, "How's your dad doing?" I answer, "He's fine." (Which is totally true. I mean, if you're dead, I'd imagine that you're pretty relaxed.) But a semi-regular customer commented that he hadn't seen my father in a long time. Since this guy incessantly complains about the imperfect pressing of his shirt cuffs (thanks, I'll tell the automatic presser to do a better job) while refusing to pay extra to get it hand-pressed, I discarded my typical euphemistic rambling and deadpanned, "Yeah... he died."

(Ooh, I just noticed the pun!)

Anyway... Smooth Cuffs (like most customers who find out) was like, "What? Oh my goodness!" He asked the typical questions (How? When?) before telling me that his sister died of liver cancer when she was 47. To which I nodded sympathetically because... well, it's sort of bitchy NOT to nod sympathetically.

Another customer arrived, so Smooth Cuffs said goodbye and left. Five minutes later, he came back with his business card (he's some sort of accountant) and said, "If you ever need financial help, don't hesitate to call. What's your legal status in this country?"

Somehow, he survived my shooting daggers.

-----

In related news...

TOP FIVE IDIOTIC THINGS SAID TO ME BY CUSTOMERS:

5. "Does your family celebrate Thanksgiving?" -- Jehovah's Witness who asked me if I were Chinese or Japanese (really... does that ever go out of style?)

4. "Wow, it's so hot outside. Why don't you come to work in a bikini?" -- 50-year-old cop who once told me he liked summer because he liked looking at girls in short skirts

3. "Did you know that the Philippines is the hardest country in the world to leave? Their government is so corrupt. You should know, you're from that area of the world." -- Never-employed 50-something neighborhood dunce who regularly updates me on his futile attempts to bring his Internet girlfriend to the U.S.

2. "I LOVE Asian women! I want to take you on a trip to your country so you can teach me about your culture." -- 60-something movie extra who deludedly thinks he's a big deal

1. "But I love you, Amy [sic]!" -- Aforementioned movie extra who apparently thought that telling me THAT would persuade me to fuck him

I have what it takes to be a U.S. citizen

Shockingly, I scored 85% on MSNBC's "Do you have what it takes to become a citizen?" quiz. (I say "shockingly" because I guessed on most of the questions. But now I'm all elitist since I scored in the top tier.)

Today was a fantastic day. Among my accomplishments:

- Woke up at one
- Ate a seriously massive brunch with my sister at my favorite local diner
- Played with an iPhone at the Apple Store (I'm in complete lust) and bought a skirt and a dress that I didn't need from Anthropologie
- Watched the Project Runway marathon on Bravo
- Ate strawberries and cherries
- Did two loads of laundry

So basically I was inactive, ate too much, spent money on frivolous stuff, watched TV, ate too much again, and did laundry. Could my day have BEEN any more American? I think not. I'm quite proud of myself.



In other news, Ratatouille is a fantastic movie. Everybody should see it.